A Parent's Guide to Managing Baby Separation Anxiety and Sleep
Separation anxiety is a normal developmental stage in babies characterised by a strong emotional reaction when separated from their primary caregiver—you! It typically emerges around 6 to 8 months of age and can peak between 10 to 18 months, though it can occur earlier or later in some babies. In fact don't be surprised if your three-year-old starts to display separation anxiety; this is a time of significant development and often involves new childcare experiences.
Yep, another phase!
Like many aspects of childhood, it’s a phase that will pass. It can be challenging for you as a parent, and it might feel like you're making matters worse, but you’re not! Every baby is different—some display minimal anxiety, while others have intense emotions.
Hello velcro baby!
Your chilled little baby can almost overnight become a barnacle baby! You might find yourself blaming your parenting for this sudden change, but it has nothing to do with your actions. Very young babies have indiscriminate attachment—they are open and receptive to forming bonds with any caregiver who provides them with consistent care, warmth, and responsiveness to their needs.
During this stage, babies develop a strong attachment to their caregivers, and separation from them can cause distress. Looking at it from a positive angle, separation anxiety is a sign of healthy attachment and emotional development, indicating that your baby has formed a strong bond with you.
Object permanence
You may have also heard of ‘object permanence’, a concept often intertwined with separation anxiety. Object permanence is the understanding that objects continue to exist even when they are out of sight, typically developing between 8 to 12 months of age. Before fully grasping object permanence, infants believe that objects disappear when they are no longer visible. As this understanding develops, infants realise that objects still exist even when they cannot be seen, touched, or heard.
After 12 months of age, babies understand that an object exists even if they can't see it, but they might still think it could magically disappear for good—and that object could be you! It can take young children up to 2 years to be confident that you still exist when you're not together. Of course, every baby is different; for some, this understanding develops sooner, while for others, it may take longer.
Separation anxiety vs object permanence
While separation anxiety and object permanence both emerge around the same time, they represent different areas of development. Object permanence is a cognitive milestone related to understanding the physical world, whereas separation anxiety is primarily an emotional milestone related to attachment and social development. And this is far trickier for babies to manage.
Signs of separation anxiety in babies
Clinginess: Your baby may become excessively clingy and reluctant to be separated from you. They may resist being held by others and cling to you in unfamiliar environments.
Crying and Distress: When separated from you, your baby may cry excessively or display signs of distress, which can escalate the longer you are away. They may have difficulty transitioning care from you to another person.
Refusal to Engage: Your baby may refuse to engage in activities or play with others when separated from you. They may appear withdrawn or uninterested in their surroundings.
Sleeping Issues: Your baby may only fall asleep with you nearby, wake several times during the night calling out for you, or resist naps unless you are in close proximity.
Reunification Behaviour: Upon being reunited with you, your baby may display intense emotions such as excitement or relief. They may seek a lot of physical comfort and reassurance from you.
Reprise of separation anxiety
Children can become anxious about separation at various times, not just at the classic 8-9 month mark. For example, around 18 months is a common time for a resurgence of separation anxiety, often related to the development of gross motor skills.
Separation anxiety can come in waves throughout early childhood. It’s very common for young children to exhibit separation anxiety when saying goodbye to a parent, and this is generally short-lived. Some children have higher emotional needs and a greater need for connectivity than others, so don’t feel you’ve done anything wrong if your child is like this.
Why separation anxiety may reappear
Toddlers who are learning about independence and doing things their own way may experience another wave of separation anxiety. They might feel fearful that when their parent leaves, they may not come back, or if they leave their parent, whether their parent will still be there. They are leaving their rock of security as they venture out as this can be daunting for most toddlers.
If a wave of separation anxiety appears to come out of the blue, consider whether anything in your child’s life might be contributing to anxiety. Is there a change in childcare, a new sibling, or perhaps less obvious factors like tension in the household? Little ones can pick up on stress within the family, which can make them tense and clingy. Remember, young children are co-regulators, and stress can significantly impact not just you but your little one too.
How to help your baby
If you don’t do anything else just do the two following,
Stay calm - this phase will pass.
Focus on building confidence and self-esteem.
Respond promptly
When your baby shows signs of distress or separation anxiety, respond promptly with warmth, comfort, and reassurance. Let them know that you are there for them and will return if you need to step away temporarily. Remember, you cannot over-respond, and you will not increase clinginess by doing so.
Practise short separations
Start with short separations from your baby, gradually increasing the duration over time. Leave them with another adult for brief periods. Thus may be too big a first step for some babies, so begin with you stepping out of their eyeline for just a few seconds. Gradually increase the length of these separations as your baby becomes more comfortable.
Establish goodbyes
Create a consistent goodbye routine when leaving your baby, such as giving them a hug or kiss and saying a reassuring phrase like, "I'll be back soon." Keep the goodbye short and sweet. Never sneak away.
Provide transitional objects
Introduce comfort objects such as a favourite blanket, stuffed animal, or something that carries your scent, which your baby can hold onto when separated from you.
Engaging activities
Activities like lift-the-flap books, peek-a-boo games, and hiding toys under a blanket can help your baby understand that objects still exist even when they can’t see them. While it won't speed up the phase—each baby has their own timeline—it will reinforce the learning. For older babies and toddlers, reading books like "The Invisible String" can be helpful too.
Establish consistent routines
Create consistent and predictable routines for feeding, sleeping, and playtime to help your baby feel secure and know what to expect.
Maintain calm
Strive to support your baby’s emotional well-being by keeping the household calm and free from stress and anxiety as much as possible, although this can be challenging, especially with older children charging about!
Sleep challenges during separation anxiety
It will come as no surprise to hear that sleep challenges can become more prevalent during separation anxiety. So if you’re finding that bedtimes are becoming drawn out with multiple delay tactics or your little one is becoming quite upset, this is quite normal - frustrating but normal! Research has shown that separation anxiety can be more pronounced at bedtime and during the night. This makes sense when we consider that bedtime is a form of goodbye and is likely the longest period of separation for your little one within a 24-hour period. The fear of being apart can intensify clinginess, resistance to sleep, and the occurrence of frequent night awakenings as your little one seeks reassurance and comfort.
Tips for addressing sleep challenges
Establish a consistent bedtime routine
Create a bedtime routine that signals to your baby it's time to wind down and prepare for sleep. Include calming activities like a warm bath, gentle massage, bedtime story, or singing lullabies. Ensure the routine incorporates the 3Cs - calm, connection, and consistency. Remember, there's no one perfect bedtime routine; find what works best for your baby.
Reassess timing of bedtime
If bedtime is becoming lengthy, consider whether your little one is actually tired enough for bed. If they're taking half an hour or more to fall asleep, think about pushing bedtime later. Increasing sleep pressure may just be the solution!
Be responsive
Respond promptly during the night to build trust and confidence. It's impossible to be too responsive, and being attentive builds strong foundations for your baby's confidence and trust in you.
Consider co-sleeping
If your baby is very unsettled at night and calling out for you, consider co-sleeping as an option. This can provide reassurance for your baby and help both of you get more sleep. Remember, this is just a phase, and co-sleeping is not a backward step. Sleep patterns are not linear, and you're not creating bad sleep habits.
Scent
Incorporate your scent into the sleep environment by placing it on the cot sheet or on an object. Remember to keep the sleep space clear until your baby's first birthday.
Making changes during separation anxiety
During these times, it's best to avoid anything that may heighten separation anxiety. It's not advisable to remove a significant and effective form of comfort, as this could exacerbate feelings of dysregulation. For example, if your little one is feeding to sleep, it's best not to change that during this period.
But sometimes it's unavoidable, change does need to be made. If changes are necessary, proceed at a pace your child can cope with. Rushing the process may result in a setback rather than progress. Your strategy should focus on building your child's confidence and trust, ensuring they believe that you will always be there when they need you.
You, don’t forget you!
The intense emotions and challenges associated with helping your baby through separation anxiety can leave you feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and emotionally drained.
It's common for parents to experience feelings of guilt, questioning whether they're doing enough to comfort and support their baby. You might blame your parenting, wondering whether you're responding too much or too little. Seeing your baby so distressed is a horrible experience, and the worry about their well-being can be intense. Adding in sleep deprivation from frequent night awakenings only contributes to your stress and exhaustion.
Prioritise your self-care
Taking care of your own emotional and mental well-being is crucial.
Acknowledge and validate your feelings
It's normal to experience a range of emotions when supporting your baby through this phase. Allow yourself to feel and express your emotions without judgement or self-criticism.
Seek support
Don't hesitate to reach out to friends, family members, or support groups for emotional support and reassurance. Sharing your experiences with others can provide comfort and validation.
Set realistic expectations
Understand that managing separation anxiety is a process that takes time and patience. Set realistic expectations for yourself and your baby, knowing that progress may be gradual and setbacks are normal.
Prioritise sleep and rest
This can be challenging when your baby wakes multiple times during the night, but try to make your sleep a priority. Establish a consistent bedtime routine for yourself and practice good sleep hygiene. If possible, take naps or rest when your baby naps.
Do something that fills your cup
Set aside time for activities that promote relaxation and self-care, such as reading, meditation, exercise, or a hobby you enjoy. Taking breaks to focus on your well-being can help reduce stress and recharge your emotional batteries.
Seek professional help if needed
If feelings of anxiety, stress, or overwhelm become too intense, don't hesitate to seek professional help. Please don’t struggle on regardless.
Support and patience
Dealing with separation anxiety can be tough, but it's important to remember that it's just another phase in your little one's development. Your consistent support and patience are crucial during this time. By staying calm, responsive, and understanding, you're helping your little one build confidence and trust, qualities that will serve them well as they grow and develop. Keep focusing on what works best for your little one, and know that with time, they will grow more comfortable with separation from you. You're doing a great job!
Feeling overwhelmed and exhausted, wondering if you're doing it all wrong?
Desperate to make a change?
To empower you to overcome your sleep challenges and have confidence in picking the right sleep path for your baby, book a ‘Pick My Brains Call’
After 40 minutes, you will have,
Practical personalised tips to gently guide your baby towards better sleep.
A better understanding of infant sleep and what is normal to expect.
Increased confidence in your ability to support your baby's sleep and trust your instincts.
The reassurance and support you need to make positive changes.
