Why self-settling isn't the answer to baby sleep challenges and what really helps

When you're an exhausted parent navigating endless night wakings, you’ve probably come across advice from sleep trainers claiming that teaching your baby to "self-settle" is the ultimate solution to better sleep. The promise sounds appealing: if your baby can fall asleep independently at bedtime, they'll miraculously sleep through the night.

But is that really the case?

The argument goes like this: if you feed, rock, or cuddle your baby to sleep, they'll wake during the night expecting the same support and might even wake themselves up looking for it. It’s no wonder that this advice can leave parents feeling stressed, overwhelmed, and riddled with guilt for using methods that align with their parenting values.

But here’s the truth.

Just because your baby falls asleep independently doesn’t mean they won’t wake during the night or need you. And conversely, many babies who are fed, rocked, or cuddled to sleep sleep through the night just fine. The reality is, sleep isn’t that simple and babies are far from predictable.

Why babies wake (hint: it’s not just about how they fall asleep!)

Night wakings are a biologically normal part of baby sleep. Babies wake for many reasons: hunger, thirst, teething pain, developmental leaps, separation anxiety, or simply because they crave connection and reassurance. Some babies, known as "signallers," will call out for a parent even if their immediate needs are met.

On the flip side, some babies (called "soothers") may be able to quietly settle back to sleep on their own, provided they’re calm and comfortable. However, this doesn’t mean they’re "self-soothing" in the way many sleep trainers claim.

What is ‘self-soothing,’ really?

The term "self-soothing" has been widely misunderstood and misused. It originated in a 1979 study by Thomas Anders, who observed that some babies, when their needs were met, could settle themselves back to sleep by sucking on fingers, adjusting their position, or lying quietly. These babies weren’t regulating their emotions or calming themselves down like adults do—true emotional regulation requires the prefrontal cortex, which doesn’t fully develop until the mid-20s.

The term "self-soother" was never meant to imply that babies can manage their emotions independently or that they need to be taught to sleep. It was simply a way to categorise babies who naturally remain calm when they wake. Unfortunately, this term has been co-opted by the sleep training industry to promote the myth that all babies can (and should) learn to self-soothe.

Self-soothers vs. signallers: every baby is different

Babies are born with different temperaments. Some are natural soothers, who are more laid-back and tend to fall asleep with minimal intervention. Others are signallers, who require more support, especially during times of distress.

Your baby’s tendency to signal or self-soothe is part of their unique personality - it’s not something that can be fundamentally changed or "taught." Even babies who are typically self-soothers may need extra help during teething, illness, or developmental milestones.

If your baby is predominantly a signaller, it’s not a reflection of your parenting or a problem to be fixed. It simply means they need more comfort and connection from you during the night.

The danger of the ‘bad habits’ myth

One of the most harmful ideas in the sleep-training world is the notion that comforting your baby creates "bad habits." In reality, responding to your baby’s needs builds their sense of security and trust. It teaches them that their needs will be met, which is essential for healthy emotional development.

There may come a time when night feeds or certain settling techniques no longer work for you or your family - and that’s okay. For example, with older babies or toddlers, you might consider adjusting the timing of the last feed in the bedtime routine. However, it’s important to understand that reducing night feeds or encouraging self-settling doesn’t guarantee fewer night wakings.

Why baby sleep isn’t one-size-fits-all

Babies’ sleep needs ebb and flow, influenced by factors like developmental leaps, changes in routine, and their unique personalities. Sleep isn’t linear, and there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. For some babies, sleeping through the night happens earlier, while others may take more time.

The good news? You don’t have to "tough it out." There are always gentle, effective strategies to encourage longer stretches of sleep and ways to ensure you’re getting the rest you need too.

What to focus on instead of self-settling

Rather than fixating on the idea of self-settling, consider these approaches:

Connection

Hold, cuddle, and interact with your baby as much as you like—you cannot spoil them! Your instincts are guiding you to help your baby feel safe and secure.

Comfort

Respond to your baby’s needs during the night without worrying about "bad habits." You can never respond too much - your presence is their reassurance.

Practical adjustments

Make small changes like tweaking nap schedules, adjusting bedtime, or creating a calm sleep environment that suits your baby’s needs.

If what you’re currently doing is helping your baby sleep better, keep doing it. Focus on the here and now, meeting your baby where they are today. As your baby grows, they’ll often outgrow the need for that particular support. And if they don’t, you can always make gentle changes when the time feels right.

A final thought: embrace your baby’s individuality

If your baby wakes frequently, it’s not because you’re doing something wrong. Their nighttime behaviour reflects their unique temperament, not your parenting.

Let go of the pressure to make your baby fit into a box. Respond to their needs in a way that feels right for you, and don’t hesitate to ask for help if you’re feeling overwhelmed.