Why is my toddler waking in the night?

So what’s the deal? You made it through those seemingly endless nights of sleepless babyhood. And just when you thought you had finally cracked the code to a decent night's sleep, BAM! Like a bolt of lightning, your toddler starts waking up again—night after night after night. This wasn't in the parenting manual, was it? You've survived the newborn phase, you've earned those precious nights of uninterrupted sleep... or so you thought. Now, it feels like everything's falling apart. Is it your fault? Did you miss a crucial step? Is there something wrong with your toddler? Questions swirl in your mind, but the answer to all of them is a resounding NO!

Understanding Normal Toddler Sleep

So let’s take a reality check. Research confirms that it’s still quite normal for toddlers to wake during the night. Let’s look at the evidence:

Paavonen et al., 2020, found that amongst 18-month-olds, the average number of wakes was 1.1 per night, with 20% waking 2 or more times. For 2-year-olds, 0.9 night wakes were average, with 15% waking 2 or more times.

Another study by Hysing et al., 2014, discovered that over one quarter of 18-month-olds had nightly awakenings.

And in a large-scale study, it was revealed that toddlers experienced an average of 4 wake-ups a night, with the longest awake period occurring between 24 and 30 minutes.

So, there you go, you’re most definitely not alone. You’re not doing anything wrong, and your toddler isn’t broken!

No-one sleeps through the night!

In fact everyone wakes in the night. As adults, we possess the ability to address our needs autonomously—whether it's a quick trip to the loo, a sip of water, or adjusting our bedding. And of course, the reasons for waking extend beyond the physical realm. Who among us hasn't experienced the restless small hours, consumed by thoughts and worries? Toddlers, too, navigate similar terrain. They grapple with physical discomforts and anxieties that disrupt their sleep too. 

Why is my toddler waking?

Toddlers waking in the night can stem from various reasons. Among the more common ones,

Illness or teething 

During such times, it's best to go with the flow. Don't worry about potentially forming 'bad habits' by responding to your toddler more. Offering extra cuddles and reassurance are most definitely the order of the day. Bedsharing during illness not only comforts your little one but also provides peace of mind for you. Remember, it's a temporary blip; sleep will eventually return to its usual rhythm. Sleep is never linear, and responding to your toddler's needs won't create lasting bad sleep habits.

Life changes

Changes in their life can significantly impact a toddler's sleep. Factors such as a change in childcare, the arrival of a new sibling, or even something seemingly insignificant as a new car can disrupt their life. Additionally, tension within the household can be felt by little ones, leading to increased clinginess and nighttime disturbances. While some toddlers breeze through changes effortlessly, others, particularly those sensitive souls, may be more affected by even minor disruptions. As a parent, you know your child best and most likely have a good understanding of their temperament by now.

Temperament

A child's temperament significantly influences their nighttime waking habits. If your child seeks your support regularly throughout the day, it's natural for them to seek reassurance at night too. While it can be challenging—I've been there myself with one of my children—it's important to remember that this behaviour is normal and healthy. If your child exhibits such traits, know that you're not alone. Despite finding these tendencies frustrating and overwhelming at times, they are qualities that will serve them well later in life!

Developmental Milestones

Developmentally, toddlerhood is a whirlwind of growth and change. Between 18 months and 3 years, children undergo remarkable transformations. From mastering language skills to refining their motor abilities and navigating their burgeoning emotions, toddlers have a lot on their plate!

Separation Anxiety 

While we often associate separation anxiety with babies around 8 months old, it's common for a resurgence to occur around 18 months. Toddlers at this age are exploring their newfound independence and asserting themselves. They may experience fear and anxiety when their parent leaves, worrying that they may not return. This fear can be particularly heightened at bedtime and during the night, as the absence of a parent can feel especially daunting.

Top Tips and Tricks

Respond promptly

When your toddler wakes in the night and calls out for you, respond promptly with comfort and reassurance. Let them know that you are there for them. It's essential to understand that you cannot over-respond, and you won't worsen the situation by attending to their needs. In fact, the opposite is true. By responding promptly, you're fostering a sense of safety and security for your child—vital elements for a good night's sleep for anyone.

Bedsharing? 

If you’re in the position to bedshare and are comfortable doing so, it can be one of the easiest ways to navigate this phase. Remember, it is indeed just a phase! You can either have your toddler come into your bed or go to your toddler’s room. Floor beds can be a great option in this sort of situation.

Bedroom love

Make their bedroom a place they love to be! While it may seem obvious, create a space where your toddler feels happy, relaxed, and safe. Spend quality time with them in their room—playing with toys, reading books, and sharing cuddles.

There's mixed advice on whether to have toys in the bedroom. Some suggest that the presence of toys can hinder a child's ability to settle down for sleep, while others say that children find comfort in having their personal toys nearby. Ultimately, do what works best for your child.

Another idea is to decorate their bedroom with photos of special people in their life. This can provide a sense of comfort and connection, further enhancing their positive associations with their sleeping space.

The night time basics

Ensure your toddler has easy access to a water bottle for the inevitable "I’m thirsty cry!" at 3 am! Teach them how to rearrange the duvet themselves, or better still, consider using a sleeping bag—they come in quite big sizes! My own children used them until around the age of three.

If your toddler has a fear of the dark, consider using a red night light to provide a sense of comfort. And if your toddler sleeps with a dummy then ensure a good stock within easy reach! Preempt all the things that may disrupt your toddler’s sleep. 

Comforters or Loveys

Introducing a comforter, such as a soft toy, can be a great way to help your toddler feel secure at night. You can even engage in role play with your toddler, explaining that Teddy gets lonely at night and needs looking after. Encourage your toddler to take on the role of caregiver, nurturing their comforter just as you care for them. This not only gives them a sense of responsibility but also provides reassurance and companionship during the night.

Offer your toddler something of yours to take to bed, but prioritise safety when selecting the item. Avoid things like dangly scarves or anything they could potentially swallow! This can be a comforting way to maintain a sense of connection, even when you're apart during the night.

Siblings Bunking Up

Consider room-sharing with a sibling. While it may seem like a recipe for disaster at first, with bedtime potentially turning into a bit of a riot, within a week, the initial novelty will most likely have worn off. This arrangement can provide a sense of companionship and security for both children, hopefully contributing to a more peaceful night’s sleep for everyone!

Optimising sleep

Is your toddler waking because they’ve had enough sleep? There's only so much sleep any of us need over a 24-hour period! Check if daytime naps are affecting their nighttime sleep. Is the balance of daytime versus nighttime sleep appropriate? Maybe it's time to consider dropping that final nap. I have a whole blog dedicated to this topic here. 

And, of course, we can't forget the three Cs!

Calm

I know how tricky it is to stay calm when you've been woken up for the umpteenth time during the night. However, showing your annoyance will only upset your toddler further. If the night awakenings are becoming frequent, and taking their toll on you, think of ways to help yourself. Consider taking turns with your partner to respond to your toddler, consider going to bed earlier. Your calm will bring a sense of calmness to your toddler, making it easier for them to settle back to sleep.

Consistency

Key in parenting. Not only in establishing a consistent bedtime routine or responding consistently to nighttime awakenings but also in maintaining consistent boundaries throughout the day and night.

Toddler’s behaviour is highly governed by their choices and control - or rather lack of! As children grow they can become increasingly aware of the limited control over aspects of their life. The frustration can be further compounded when they see you making decisions for them. This can spill over into nighttime disruptions. It's understandable that fatigue can weaken our resolve, making us more likely to give in to their demands.

To address this ‘power struggle’ give your toddler some power, but on your terms! Say give them a choice of PJs or bedtime story, but limit the selection to 2 or 3 options - overwhelm can cause issues too! 

The key is to remain flexible with minor decisions but firm with absolute boundaries. Toddlers thrive on consistency and predictability, and having consistent boundaries helps them feel safe and secure.

And, of course,

Connection

Filling their love bucket. This doesn’t need to take up hours—just set aside ten to fifteen minutes daily for some one-on-one time, especially on days when you’ve been apart from each other. Bedtime is an important time for connection. You may well have noticed that your toddler is inclined to stretch it out for as long as possible! When we consider it, bedtime serves as a form of goodbye and is likely the longest period of separation for your little one within a 24-hour period. So, ensure your little one’s love tank is topped up for the night ahead!

If you are struggling with your toddler’s sleep I can help! I particularly enjoy working with this age group. I have many creative strategies up my sleeve which as well as being fun are highly effective! 

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