How to Overcome Bedtime Challenges When Your Baby or Toddlers Prefers One Parent

Does your little one only want you doing bedtime and if your partner so much as steps into the room all hell breaks loose? Or reject their bedtime milk if you’re not the one giving it to them? This scenario is all too familiar to many parents.

Understanding Parental Preference

At some time or another, I suspect that all babies and toddlers go through a phase when they prefer one parent over another. This preference can extend to almost everything or be specific to certain activities, especially bedtime or during the night. While this behavior is completely normal during the early years, knowing that doesn’t always provide comfort to the parent on the receiving end of the rejection! It’s important to remember that this phase doesn’t reflect the child's overall feelings of love or attachment for that parent. Children have a lot on their plate as they grow and develop, and they often struggle to make sense of their emotions and how they feel about others.

The Impact on Parents

It’s also common for a little one to prefer one parent for a specific activity and the other parent for something else. However sometimes, a child might prefer one parent for pretty much everything, which can be challenging for both parents. The preferred parent may feel overwhelmed by the constant demands and lack of personal time, while the other parent might feel left out or rejected. Naturally, this situation can create tension and stress within the family.

Setting Boundaries for Your Well-being

OK, this needs to be said! You are allowed to put boundaries in place. If you’re the parent doing bedtime every night and frankly you’ve had enough, or circumstances dictate you won’t be around at bedtime, it’s okay to make a change. Please don’t feel guilty about it. Yes, your little one may well struggle with this and find the change really hard, but remember that another loving, attentive adult is a perfectly good substitute. As parents, it’s not our role to protect our children from all negative feelings and emotions. Our role is to support them through these big emotions, which will equip them for life.

Setting boundaries is essential for everyone’s well-being and helps teach your child resilience and adaptability. Changes in routine can be challenging, but they also provide valuable opportunities for growth. Trust that your child can adjust, and know that by allowing another caregiver to step in, you're building a sense of security and flexibility that will benefit your child in the long run.

Acknowledge and Validate Emotions

So, it’s not about changing how your little one feels—all emotions are valid and need to be acknowledged and respected. It’s about acknowledging their emotions, allowing them to experience these big feelings, staying calm, and keeping to the plan. Remember, if your little one cries and gets upset, they’re with a loving parent who is validating their emotions and providing comfort. This is vastly different from a child who is left alone to cry.

By being present and supportive, your child is learning that it’s okay to feel upset and that their feelings are important. Over time, they will understand that change isn’t necessarily bad or anything to fear. This approach not only helps them cope with the current situation but also builds their emotional resilience for future challenges.

Steps to Transition Bedtime Duties

Preparing Your Child for the Change

As with most parenting, it’s all in the prep! Now of course, this can be easier with a toddler. Start by talking to your little one about the upcoming change. Be honest and straightforward. Toddlers can surprise us with how much they understand. You might find that they become upset at the prospect, so sell it positively! Highlight the fun aspects your partner brings to bedtime—maybe they have a playful bath routine or do fantastic impersonations during storytime! Showing enthusiasm about the change can help your child feel more comfortable and excited too.

Involving Your Partner in Caregiving

If your toddler tends to run to you for comfort during the day or you’re the one taking on the lion’s share of the caregiving responsibilities, involve your partner as much as possible. Give them opportunities to be the one providing comfort and reassurance. I know how hard it is to step back at times, especially when you can see your little one is upset. But do—it will make the transition much smoother for both your little one and your partner.

With a baby, I’d encourage your partner to be involved in caregiving as well. If it’s challenging with you nearby, consider going out for a walk or running some errands to allow your partner to find their own rhythm. This also prevents you from inadvertently stepping in, which can make your partner feel undermined. Yes, your baby may become upset initially, but as mentioned earlier, they will be with a loving, attentive parent and will be okay. Over time, your baby will come to see your partner as a source of comfort and reassurance, readily seeking them out.

Implementing the Plan

Have your partner do bedtime alongside you initially. Even if they start just in an observational role and then, going at the pace of your little one, take over an aspect, like drying after bath and helping with putting on PJs. Gradually, they can take on more of the bedtime routine.

Then, on the day you won’t be there, talk about what will be happening at bedtime. Keep the chat short and positive, reassuring your child that everything will be okay with your partner handling bedtime. Again, acknowledge and validate their emotions but be clear that the plan is going ahead!

“I know you like mummy putting you to bed, I know you’re feeling sad and cross about mummy not doing it tonight. But do you know what? Daddy is so excited to read your bedtime stories tonight.”

If you’re going out for the evening, make sure to say goodbye rather than sneak away. It’s natural to feel upset hearing your little one cry as you leave, but remind yourself that they are with a parent who is providing love and reassurance. If you’re still going to be in the house, give your child an explanation for why you’re not doing bedtime. Perhaps something along the lines of, you have some chores to do. Either say goodnight before the bedtime routine starts or after your little one is in bed, depending on what suits them best.

Staying Calm as the Non-preferred Parent

Now if you’re the non-preferred parent, it’s important to remain as calm as possible, even if your little one is screaming in your face! Find the way which helps—deep breathing, playing calming music, or gently walking around the room holding your child. With an older child, engage them in conversation about their feelings,

"I can see you’re feeling sad because mummy isn’t here and you miss her. I was thinking we could use the bath crayons during bath time and read that new book grandma got you when you’re in bed."

Your calmness will help regulate your little one’s emotions. You have a superpower—you are your little one’s co-regulator, as they are developmentally unable to do so themselves. This skill isn’t fully developed until our early to mid-twenties. Support them through these big emotions—it will get better, I promise! Your calm presence brings calm to them, and this in turn helps you to regulate.

Acceptance and Building Confidence

Acceptance and relinquishing control can be challenging. I’ll admit, I found this very difficult myself. There were times I would step in, thinking I could handle the situation faster, but in doing so, I unintentionally deprived my husband of opportunities to build his confidence.

Accept that your partner may do bedtime differently—their own way. While children thrive on routines and consistency, it’s perfectly okay for parents to have slightly different approaches. Perhaps your partner engages in more rough and tumble play with your little one or has a funny bedtime ritual. They will have their own ways of strengthening their bond with your child and adding richness to their life.

The take away

And to finish, the one thing I want you to take away is this: as the non-preferred parent, responding promptly to your little one with comfort and reassurance shows them that you are there for them. You are cultivating a sense of safety and security. Over time, you will see your bond strengthen and be promoted from the role of non-preferred parent!

Are bedtime struggles and parental preferences leaving you feeling overwhelmed?

As a gentle holistic infant sleep coach, I'm here to help you and your family find balance and harmony.

Book a sleep package with me here to receive personalised support and guidance tailored to your little one's unique needs.

Together, we can create a peaceful bedtime routine that works for everyone.