My Toddler and Aggression
Life with a toddler can feel like being on a battlefield some days - hitting, biting, kicking, throwing things, angry outbursts, screaming at others. And other days they are sweetness and light. Oh the joys of toddlerhood!
When your toddler lashes out at another child it feels like all the eyes in the room are boring into you! The pressure to rush in to deal with your toddler’s behaviour is immense. Quite often we react in a way we anticipate others expect and want us to do rather than how we think is best for our toddler. And of course there has to be profuse apologies to the other child and parent!
I’m not saying we just ignore it when our toddler harms or intimidates another child but it’s best to have a plan of action in place prior to such an episode.
Keep calm! I know this is easier said than done but if you go in, all guns blazing, your child has gained a reaction. It may well be a negative one but it’s still a reaction which they may find amusing! Toddlers love cause and effect, so stay cool!
Safety first! If your child is hurting another child then step in quickly and physically remove your child. This is not the time to rationalise with them. The first priority is to protect the other child from further harm.
Focus on the ‘victim’ so your child can start to learn that they won't get attention through unwanted behaviour.
Don’t force your toddler to say sorry or to hug the other child, it really doesn’t do any good, especially if your child is still wound up! Instead, you do the apologising.
Acknowledge feelings. Depending on age and stage of development, acknowledge their emotion and name it for your toddler by telling them it’s ok to feel angry but it’s not ok to hurt anyone. Keep your voice calm, low and firm.
Clear boundaries. Explain to them they’re going to sit with you for a few minutes until they’ve calmed down. Warn them that if they hurt another child again you will time them out again.
Be consistent. Not just you but other adults in your toddler’s life.
Coping strategies. Once toddlers are older you can teach them to regulate their emotions - slowing down and reacting to a situation calmly, taking deep breaths, counting, taking a break from the situation, using their words and so on
You know your child best so if you may well spot a pattern in this behaviour. Tiredness, hunger and frustration are common triggers, along with feeling overwhelmed in a situation, especially an unfamiliar one. Pre-planning could save the day! Things like packing snacks, warning your toddler when an activity is ending, and ensuring they have had their nap.
Are you the target of your child’s aggression? If so, you are not alone! Biting or hitting a parent is generally linked to frustration or not getting what they want. When your toddler whacks you, adopt a similar approach as to when another child is on the receiving end of the aggression.
Stay calm which can be hard especially if you’re in pain!
Get down to their level, look them in the eye and in a low soft voice tell them it’s OK to feel angry or frustrated but it’s not OK to hurt you. So you’re labelling their emotion and showing empathy but holding firm with the boundary.
Put your hand up, saying “No” if the aggression continues.
If necessary gently hold their hands.
Some toddlers seem more predisposed to aggressive behaviour. If your little one is in this camp please don’t worry that they are going to grow up into aggressive adults. This behaviour is absolutely normal in toddlers. Limited language skills and frustration at not being fully understood can result in aggressive outbursts. Toddlers are growing a sense of self along with developing the skills to control their emotions - not always successfully!
