Why baby sleep feels hard (and what you can do right now)

It feels hard because it is hard.

Even seasoned parents or baby experts will tell you - it’s a challenge.

I could stop there - because, honestly, that’s the truth - but that wouldn’t be very helpful! Acknowledging that baby sleep is hard can feel validating, and being recognized for the tough time you’re having does help. 

But let’s be real - when you’re in the thick of it, you’re also looking for practical advice. Something tangible. Something that works.

When I was sleep-deprived, if someone had simply told me, “Yes, it’s hard,” I’d have appreciated it, but I’d have also been desperate for solutions - a roadmap that could lead me to the thing I needed most: actual sleep.

Why baby sleep feels so hard

Let’s start with the obvious: sleep deprivation. When you’re not getting enough sleep, everything feels harder. It’s not just that you’re tired - it’s that you’re bone-tired, to the point where even simple tasks feel like climbing mountains. This is where most of us struggle when it comes to baby sleep.

But there’s more to it. Many of us - understandably - fixate on our little ones’ sleep because we’ve been told that if our babies don’t sleep, their development will suffer. This fear can be overwhelming, and some sleep trainers lean into it, convincing parents that night waking is a problem that must be “fixed.”

Here’s the truth: it’s not your baby who has a sleep problem. Waking at night is biologically normal for babies and toddlers. They wake because they need connection, comfort, and sometimes nourishment. The reality is that it’s us - the parents - who are struggling because we’re not getting the sleep we need to function.

A bit about human nature

Humans are wired to look after themselves. When you’re sleep-deprived, your focus naturally shifts to your own sleep - you want it. You desperately need it!

But humans also have a cooperative instinct. Research shows that in hunter-gatherer communities, cooperation was key to survival. Parents weren’t raising children in isolation - they had help from their community.

Fast forward to today, and we’re trying to parent in a world that’s nothing like what our ancestors knew - or even what the last generation experienced.

The environment around us

Parenting feels hard because modern life makes it hard. Many of us don’t have a “village” to lean on. We’re juggling jobs, household responsibilities, and the demands of raising children, often without support. We’ve lost those natural networks of extended family and community that once helped parents feel less alone.

It’s easy to think, “It must be me. I’m not doing enough.” But let me tell you: it’s not you. The way society is structured today isn’t designed to support parents, and that’s a big part of why baby sleep feels so hard.

Add to that society’s unrealistic expectations - like babies sleeping independently and through the night from a young age - and the constant comparisons on social media, and it’s no wonder so many parents feel isolated and overwhelmed. When you’re bombarded with messages about what you should be doing, it’s hard not to feel like you’re falling behind.

But let me remind you: it’s not you. The way society is structured today isn’t designed to support parents, and that’s a big part of why parenting and sleep feel so hard.

What you can do right now

If you’re exhausted and overwhelmed, the first step is to give yourself some grace. You’re not failing. You’re navigating a world that doesn’t make this easy.

Here are some ideas that might help:

Shift your mindset: Night wakings are temporary and biologically normal. Frame them as part of the newborn phase. Prepare for these moments with snacks, water, or a favorite podcast nearby to make them more manageable.

Simplify: Look at your current load and see if there’s anything you can let go of or postpone. Just focus on the things you have to do right now. Tomorrow will look after itself.

Establish a simple routine: Small habits, like a morning shower or consistent wake-up time, can help you regain a sense of control during chaotic days.

Rest when you can: Prioritise short breaks during the day, even if it’s just sitting with a hot cup of tea or closing your eyes for a few minutes. Let go of guilt about not being "productive." Rest is essential.

Lower expectations: And lower them again! This isn’t the time for perfection. Delegate tasks where possible and focus on what truly needs to be done.

Sync with your baby’s sleep: Aligning your bedtime with your baby’s, even for a while, can help you catch up on sleep. It’s not forever but can be a lifesaver during those early months.

Consider safe co-sleeping: Many parents find co-sleeping beneficial, and I embraced it with my last two babies as a way to survive those challenging early years. If this feels like the right choice for your family, ensure you follow the guidelines for safe bed-sharing.

Embrace outdoor time: Daily exposure to natural light, even for 20 minutes in the morning, helps regulate your circadian rhythm and improves both your and your baby’s sleep.

Fuel your body: Stay hydrated and eat nourishing foods to maintain energy levels. Good nutrition supports your resilience.

Ask for help: Whether it’s a partner, family member, or friend, lean on your support system. Share the load, whether that’s taking turns with nighttime feeds or having someone help with chores. Asking for help isn’t weak - it’s brave.

Rebuilding your village

You’re not meant to do this alone. Parenting was never supposed to be a solo act. While we can’t change society overnight, we can rebuild a sense of community by reaching out, connecting, and supporting one another.

So, if baby sleep feels hard, don’t blame yourself. Look at the bigger picture. It’s not about what you’re doing wrong - it’s about the environment we’re all parenting in.

You’re doing an incredible job under tough circumstances. And when you find the right support - whether through practical baby sleep tips, a listening ear, or a shared story - it can feel a little easier.